Hi. I'm Atlanta :) 20, college student, live in NYC. I have borderline personality disorder, and I'm bulimic, so a lot of my posts will be rants about my anxiety and eating issues but it's so not completely who I am so it's not my whole blog. :) Other than that I'm very friendly so drop me a message to say hi sometime :)
I just got an angry message from an old (ex) friend saying how she was sick of me talking to her occasionally about whenever I had purged and how disgusted with myself I felt. She’s not bulimic herself, but I used to tell her everything. She’s an old tumblr friend who I won’t name but she basically was saying “I’ve seen your fb and you’ve been the same weight for a while now, if you want to lose weight why are you still doing it?!”
First of all, weight does NOT define if you have an ED or not. I’ve seen bulimics in treatment who were overweight but EASILY ten times sicker than me. I hate the stigma that you DON’T have a problem if you don’t “look” like it.
Second, yeah OK it started out as that, I’ll be honest. but it changes into something completely different. I’ll just say briefly about my experience….
I remember very well the first time I purged. I had eaten a ton of food and spent about an hour in the bathroom trying to get it out. Only a teeny bit came out, but the more I tried, the easier it got. Within about two months I had taught myself all the tricks and exactly how to purge “properly” and get everything out. I started losing weight rapidly, and my self-esteem was so low and I felt SO huge and disgusting I kinda thought “Hey, i think im onto something here…” The more I lost weight, the more compliments I got. Everybody who knew me, even people I never talked to in school started saying “Wow you look so good/thin/much better, how did you lose all that weight, you look amazing….” the compliments went on and on, and people were telling me I looked great even though I was severely sick. Whenever I got asked how I lost weight or what did I eat or how could THEY lose weight or be healthy, I would just shrug and say I had been running when really I’d been throwing up 10 times a day. I based my own self worth on what others thought of me, and so I thought “If they’re telling me I look good, I have to keep going”
All of a sudden things changed. My hair grew thinner and clumps were falling out in the shower. I got down to about 92 lbs and people started asking me what was wrong and if I was sick and what was happening. I remember my boss one day asking me “have you been using coke or something?” and when I said no and asked why, she said it made sense because i was so thin and I was SO animated and hyped up and talkative and friendly at work. That’s just my personality I guess when I’m happy (well I THOUGHT I was happy…really it was only because i saw the number on the scale dropping…)
It made me feel powerful. I can’t explain to you just the amount of false power and freedom I felt when I was losing weight. I thought, “Look how far I’ve pushed myself…” And even at my sickest I STILL felt fat. It was NEVER enough. Each goal weight was a moving target, and nothing was ever good enough besides that goal. If it wasn’t, I’d punish myself even harder.
Why did I do it in the end? I was so malnourished my brain couldn’t think properly, and therefore, I never had to worry about anything anymore. ALL my problems went out the window. This was MY little secret, and what I and I alone could do, and whenever something bad happened, well everything was just fine because at LEAST I had my eating disorder to comfort me. It became a way to deal with my issues and everything that happened in life. Little did I know this was the start of years of hell struggling in and out of hospital gaining weight, and losing it as soon as I got out.
Now, I’ve managed to get my weight healthy. It does NOT mean my bulimia is gone…I don’t purge as much as I used to, maybe just a few times a week, (still too much but I’m working on it) and I CAN keep food down. I’d say this is pretty good progress when I used to be underweight, throwing up 10-12 times a day and sometimes not being able to keep down a salad because the dressing wasn’t fat free and that wasn’t acceptable to me at the time.They say on average it takes 7 years to recover from an ED, and I’ve only been really trying for one. I’d say I’m moving pretty fast for that statistic wouldn’t you? Yeah, you, if you see this, THAT’S what it’s like. It was not fun. It was hell. Now kindly go fuck yourself.