Hi. I'm Atlanta :) 21 years old, college student, live in NYC. I have borderline personality disorder, and I'm bulimic, so a lot of my posts will be rants about my anxiety and eating issues but it's so not completely who I am so it's not my whole blog. :) Other than that I'm very friendly so drop me a message to say hi sometime :)
There will always be people, places and things that have broken my heart. But if I cannot or should not try to change them, then I can’t let myself get so upset about it. I can’t let these things dominate my life or my state of mind, because for me, that’s fatal. End of story, these things have the power to kill me if I don’t change. And I believe that with every ounce of my body.
If there is anyone out there who thinks I’m being entirely too melodramatic about this, let me tell you why I haven’t properly held down a job or even completed two semesters of school in over 3 years… let me show you the endless hours spent in hospitals, treatment centers and rehabs, the amount of money I spent on alcohol and drugs, food, therapy sessions, the looks of despair on the faces of those I love, the antagonizing isolation I endured, the inability to function, the days I was so sick I couldn’t even get out of bed, the hours spent crying and hating life, the tears, the despair, the pain…
Oh how dark it is before the dawn!! If I hadn’t stopped drinking, using or starving myself, I’d be in the same place, going nowhere, getting sicker and sicker, blotting out the intolerable consciousness of my situation to the best of my ability until the bitter end. What a waste…what a complete complete waste!!
I am so happy I’m so clear-headed again. 70 days. 70 clean, productive and happier days since I last drank or used anything and for that I am DAMN proud. It was NOT easy. And although I’m still weird about food and the way I eat I can still feed myself. My mind isn’t blurred from either a chemical substance or malnutrition. I can think and behave in a clear manner. I have friends. I have things to do, a purpose in my life, and more than anything I can move on.
It’s okay to wish things in the past had been different, it’s okay to be afraid of the future, most of all it’s okay to fucking feel, why was I so scared of letting myself feel anything before?! Probably because it always lead to something self-destructive which is a comfort zone for me, but FUCK that. I refuse to punish myself or my body anymore just over a feeling. Next time I think I’m gonna take a long bubble bath put on my favorite PJs, make hot chocolate and watch something really really funny. THAT’S how I want to deal with my emotions.
Ramble over. I’m gonna go meet a friend down in midtown. We’re gonna go get frozen yogurt, and I WILL get cake batter flavor and it WILL be delicious. :) OH and tomorrow I have another job interview so Yeeee :D
Thanks!! :) I don’t have a betta fish anymore. But it was pretty while I had it!