Quod me nutruit, me destruit.

Things have been really good lately - Ive been on this new medication for the past three months and I feel like a human being again! My anxiety is down, I feel happy most days and I can’t even remember the last time I had a panic attack - Feeling SO much better and like I can finally move on. Oh and PS I’m SO excited to finally go back to school…!!

Sometimes I really wish I had someone to talk to about everything :/ I’ve been having flashbacks of that horrific night and it’s giving me anxiety attacks. But who the fuck can I talk to? Who would understand?

Sorry. Bad night, clearly >

It’s definitely been a while!!!

Not much has changed…but that’s not bad. Applying back to school and stuff. My head is finally above water, but now the only question is, what to do with it?!

I’ve realized lately that I really have been holding all my friends and even new people i meet at work at arms length…my coworker asked me to take the train home with him the other day since we live in the same area but I pretended I was seeing someone else…for no particular reason, I was totally free, I don’t know why…same thing with my friend who asked me out on Halloween, and I said no also.
I didn’t even realize I was doing it until a few days ago…but its totally true! I feel like since I’ve been hurt in the past I might be scared to let my guard down again…subconsciously I think I don’t trust others on some level. Which of course is all totally irrational, there’s no reason other people are dangerous..

I guess I also feel like if people knew the REAL me, they’d run far and they’d run fast. Sounds morbid, but I don’t have MUCH evidence to disprove that theory. :\
Bah. Whatever my problem is, I think it might be time to start reaching out more…either way, I’m not going to over-analyze and drive myself nuts in the other direction either!

Blah. I’m tired. But I felt like typing to myself. It can be therapeutic in a way. 

The other day I got a rejection letter for my readmission application to Hunter. I was hurt…bad. I had talked to my college counselor like three times, and she granted me a voluntary leave of absence instead of kicking me out (so yes, i basically got politely asked to leave before they kicked me out permanently). Still, she knew what was going on. So I was angry and hurt and frustrated when I didn’t get back in….

Still…I have my job. Thank GOD I have my job, because without structure I was falling apart. So my new plan is this…Focus on my job and bury myself in as much work as possible for now to keep myself busy, save up a little money, keeping going to AA and most importantly….: STOP ISOLATING! Socialization can mean the difference between success and catastrophe. At least for me.

And for the present moment, I’m going to watch nurse jackie in bed untill I fall asleep. Tomorrow I get up at 5 to be at work at 6:30 a.m. All I need to focus on now is work, workworkwork…just work hard enough and I can forget. At least for now. 

Bah. Night. :P

I did something totally retarded at work the other day. First off, I work at Starbucks in an insanely busy area - it’s across the street from chelsea market, the apple headquarters and underneath a google office, so it’s always crowded. Anyway I was at the register and a girl came in and asked for three cake pops.

Her: Hey! Can I get three chocolate cake pops?

Me: Sure, anything else? 

Her: No, but OH wait can I get the cake pops heated up actually?

Me: Um, we don’t really recommend doing that, because the frosting on the cake pop will melt off..

Her: I know, but I absolutely want them heated up, you know when you have like warm chocolate cake? 

During my training, I was told by my boss that the general idea at Starbucks was that if somebody wanted something, no matter how weird, you give it to them. Like if someone wants hazelnut syrup in their iced green tea or something strange. So, naturally I thought I should heat the cake pops up for her. 

Anyway…Since the oven doesn’t have a cake setting I put it on the shortest time available, 12 seconds, which is really supposed to be for cookies. And, as promised, the icing melted off and went allll over the oven. The sugar dripped off the parchment and the entire store smelt like burnt sugar…plus we had to clean the oven after, so everyone behind her couldn’t get their hot food for another 10 mins or so. 

IDIIFDHIDASHFIAHDI. Never the less, I took these soggy, warm heated cake pops and put them in a bag and gave them to her and shes like “Thank you so much, I know that must have been inconvenient!” I smiled and said no problem but in my head I’m like “who gets a cake pop warmed up anyway?!?!?!" 

Well, at least I learned something. Do everything the customers ask you, EXCEPT heat up their cake pop..!

I absolutely love the 30 mins or so between when I wake up and when I start to go about my day. It’s like my little quiet time. I’m always the only one up in the morning and usually wake up about 7 or 8 am. The first thing I always do is go down to make coffee and then I drink it and look outside, watch the news, play with my cats, go on the internet and plan out my day and what I’m going to do. No one else is up and it’s perfectly quiet except for the sound of birds chirping and the sun is that beautiful color when it just rises or sets. I’ve only been appreciating this small thing recently but I’ve always liked the fact that I’m usually the only one up for a short while. It’s a very peaceful way to start my day. :)